The term ‘self esteem’ is thrown around like confetti at a wedding. It is often used in the negative to explain someone’s poor judgement or behaviour. The quote reads, ‘they had very low self esteem’.
Self esteem is critical to healthy development. It contributes to a resiliency, a bounce to cope with the slings and arrows of life. Life is rough. We live in shark infested waters. You may not be aware of this, but there are people out there who are not nice. For children the challenges are immense. The need to belong, to fit in. It is challenged by cliques, clubs, and informal groups of nasty little children who can be cruel. There is bullying, exclusion, pranks, name calling, trash talking and ‘yo momma’ jokes.
The Shield
Self esteem is the shield to the abuse our children will be exposed to in life. When I have a strong sense of self esteem, abuse, thrown at me, bounces off of me. As opposed to a low self esteem when abuse hits me and sticks to me. It hurts.
Self Esteem is Built
Self esteem is something that is built over time. It begins in our childhood from the outside in. When I am a small child, I require others to build my self esteem. There are three strategies to build self esteem: praise, compliments and encouragement.
Encouragement
These are the words we speak when someone is working at something. It is not yet finished but the effort is worthy of mention. For example, if a child is colouring a picture at the kitchen table. We can walk by and say, ‘hey, that is starting to look really good, keep going’.
Praise
Praise are the words we speak when something is complete. ‘Your drawing is awesome. I am so proud of you. Let’s put that on the fridge’. This is praise.
Compliments
Compliments are offered unconditionally for no specific reason. They include things like, ‘you make me laugh’, ‘I like your smile’, ‘Your hair looks great’.
The Component Parts of Self Esteem
Self esteem has two parts: self and esteem. Self refers to who am I? Esteem refers to how do I feel about who I am. When we are a child and we receive praise, compliments and encouragement it begins to define who we are as people. I am someone who can draw. I am someone who can do math. I am someone who can play soccer or the piano. My sense of self or my identity begins to form in a positive way. Self is about identity. It is unique to each of us, our skills, talents, personality traits.
The Process of Building Self Esteem
Small children cannot do this alone. They need positive adults in their life to point out their strengths. Sometimes the opposite of this happens. Self esteem is not built in the positive but torn down, in the negative. Statements like, "you are stupid", "you will never amount to anything" cause harm and destroy self esteem.
At about the age of 11 a child can begin to take this process over. They can do something and say, ‘I am proud of that’, ‘I like that’. The building of self esteem transitions to an inside out process. However, at any age we like compliments, praise from the outside in. We like to hear that we have done well, at work, in a relationship, in our parenting. It builds our self esteem.
The Shield
A strong sense of self esteem is a shield. If we know who we are, we feel good about who we are, and we are resilient. So if we are put down, called a name, bullied, it doesn’t hurt. We know who we are. We are not stupid or weak or weird. We dress just fine and our name does not sound funny. Knowing who you are and feeling good about makes these things bounce off. We can’t bubble wrap our children. They are going to face challenges. They need weapons, allies. Self esteem is critical to navigating the world. It is rough out there, bring your “A” game.
Robert Tansley - Robert is a husband, father, writer and therapist.
Join the Conversation